One minute, you’re chatting with your friend—hanging out, having dinner, watching movies, planning your next get-together. The next, everything changes. They’ve lost someone dear—a parent, a sibling, or a beloved aunt. They’re grieving, they’re hurting, and suddenly, they seem to be in a different world.
You want to be there for them, but you don’t know what to say. The words don’t come out right. Things feel awkward. There’s a shift, and you don’t know how to navigate it.
When someone you love loses a person they love, finding the right words can feel impossible. You want to show your support, but you also know that no words can truly take away their pain. Sometimes, this uncertainty makes people say nothing at all, afraid of getting it wrong. But silence can feel like avoidance, and avoidance can feel like indifference.
So, what do you do? Do you tiptoe around your grieving friend in fear of saying the wrong thing? Do you stay quiet and wait for them to bring it up?
If you’re feeling lost, here are a few simple do’s and don’ts to help you navigate this difficult moment while being a good, supportive friend.
DON’T avoid talking about their loss
It might feel easier to steer clear of the topic, but pretending like nothing happened can make your friend feel unseen. Acknowledging their loss validates their grief.
Grief is isolating, and when people avoid talking about it, it can make the grieving person feel even more alone. You don’t have to bring it up every time you talk, but don’t let your discomfort keep you from showing up for them.
DO say, “I don’t have the right words.”
Because, honestly, you don’t—and that’s okay.
There’s no perfect thing to say to someone who is grieving, and admitting that shows honesty and sincerity. A simple “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you” goes a long way. It tells your friend that you care, that you acknowledge their pain, and that you’re not avoiding the conversation.
DON’T use clichés
Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason,” “They’re in a better place,” or “Time heals all wounds” may be well-intentioned, but they often do more harm than good. They can feel dismissive, as though you’re rushing your friend to move on.
Grief isn’t something that can be “fixed” with words, and healing doesn’t happen on a schedule. Instead of using clichés, offer genuine support: “I know this is really hard, and I’m here if you need anything.”
DON’T say you know how they feel (unless you really do)
Unless you’ve experienced a similar loss, avoid saying “I know how you feel.” Grief is deeply personal, and no two people experience it the same way. Instead, acknowledge their pain without making it about your own experiences.
A better way to express empathy? Try something like “I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, but I want you to know you’re not alone.”
DO check in—even after time has passed
In the first few days and weeks after a loss, a grieving person is often surrounded by messages, calls, and visits. But as time goes on, people get back to their lives, and that support can start to fade. For the grieving heart, that can feel even more isolating.
Don’t let time make you forget. Check in on your friend weeks and even months later. Send a message, make a call, drop off some food. It doesn’t have to be grand—sometimes, a simple “Thinking of you” can mean the world.
At the end of the day, just be there.
Grief is messy. There’s no script, no perfect response. The most important thing you can do is show up, listen, and let your friend know they’re not alone.
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Feature image by RDNE Stock project for Pexels
