No one teaches you how to belong in digital spaces. They just say: Join a community, engage and learn. So I did. I joined three in a week, on Slack, Telegram, and WhatsApp. I joined to feel less alone in marketing, to learn from others, find collaborators and make sense of the endless ambiguity we navigate in this work. Marketing can be isolating. Sometimes, in a team, you’re often the one explaining why an angle matters to someone who just wants “a short product video.”
However, what nobody tells you is that these communities, meant to support you, can just as easily drain you of time, energy and a sense of self.
To be fair, some were helpful. I found useful templates, tools, great advice, sharp perspective and even a few people who genuinely wanted to help. But others felt like a subtle competition. Soft bullying masked as banters, the pressure to perform, a funny desire to be useful, sharp, or valuable or perhaps, or perhaps brand yourself well. I noticed that some people always got responses, and others didn’t. Some advice felt like gatekeeping in disguise, and the worst part is you can’t log off because what if someone drops a job or a collaboration, key info, or even a speaking gig?
There’s a name for that feeling: social debt. The unspoken pressure to stay relevant, to be visible, to not miss the next collab or job drop. So you stay, and scroll, clap, or just disappear.
But I’m also guilty of this. I’ve ignored questions in those same groups. I’ve held back replies. Sometimes out of fatigue, sometimes because I didn’t see the benefit. But I also realise that we make the community, and we’re shaped by it. The group makes you. You make the group. So when it gets toxic or exhausting, it’s not always them. It’s us, too.
So, what would a better community look like?
If you’re building a community:
Design for depth, not engagement. You don’t need a hundred active users. You need ten people who trust each other.
Onboard people. Tell people what this space isn’t as much as what it is.
Define goals. Is it support? Learning? Deals? Thought leadership?
Appoint community editors, not just admins (one can do both roles), to shape tone, pace, and culture.
Stop optimising for 24/7 chatter. Silence sometimes doesn’t mean disengagement. It can be a sign of processing or simply indicate that work needs to be done.
Build pods of 5 to 7 people, curated around shared challenges or goals.
Encourage exits. Let people leave without shame. Sometimes exits are healthy.
If you’re inside a community:
Do a gut check: Am I here out of value, or FOMO? (which isn’t also bad).
Set your boundaries: You don’t have to perform to belong.
Unsubscribe from guilt: You’re allowed to leave. Or pause. Or return later.
Don’t just absorb, contribute. But only when it matters.
We talk a lot about digital detox, but I think we also need community clarity, a sharper lens on why we join, how we show up, and when to leave.
